How Do the Little Things Build or Destroy Marriages?

10 minutes ago7 min read

Marriages often find themselves in trouble not from grand, dramatic events but rather from the accumulation of small, seemingly insignificant actions. While the world tells us that men and women are from different planets, the truth is that we are both from the same Earth, created by God, with unique roles, strengths, and weaknesses. It is within the subtle differences between the genders that the most powerful challenges and blessings of marriage lie. As Scripture teaches, "the little foxes that spoil the vines" (Song of Solomon 2:15), so too can small, unnoticed issues slowly erode the foundation of a marital relationship.

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The Foxes of Danger

Solomon’s analogy of the "little foxes" highlights how minor issues, when left unchecked, can destroy the beautiful bond a couple shares. These "foxes" sneak into the marriage, unnoticed but capable of causing great damage. The following warning signs illustrate how seemingly small problems can, if left unresolved, lead to significant relational breakdowns.

1. The Fox of Role Reversal

In the design of marriage, God established distinct roles for men and women, roles that should not be reversed or abused. A man is called to lead, protect, and provide, while a woman is called to nurture, support, and guide. When these roles become confused, or when one partner oversteps their God-given responsibilities, confusion and resentment begin to build. Paul’s epistle to the Ephesians clearly delineates these roles: "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church" (Ephesians 5:22-23). A man must embrace his role as a leader, and a woman must embrace her role as a helper. Any deviation from this order creates disunity and unrest.

2. The Fox of Intimacy Stagnation

True intimacy in marriage is not merely physical; it is emotional and spiritual. Initially, couples may be drawn together by physical attraction, but if that love does not deepen into a true soul connection, the relationship will become stagnant. Jesus said, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh" (Matthew 19:5). The "oneness" that Jesus refers to requires more than physical closeness; it requires a growing emotional bond, a continual investment in the heart and soul of one’s spouse.

3. The Fox of Silence/Stonewalling

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. A marriage cannot thrive if one or both partners withdraw from meaningful communication. Proverbs 18:13 warns, "He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him." Effective communication is rooted in a willingness to listen, to understand, and to empathize. Silence, stonewalling, or dismissing the concerns of a spouse can quickly lead to emotional distance. Regular, open communication keeps a marriage alive and growing.

4. The Fox of Time Ill Spent

The issue of time allocation is crucial to the health of a marriage. Marital relationships can easily suffer when time and attention are devoted to less meaningful pursuits, such as work, hobbies, or even excessive socializing. Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us, "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven." Time spent together in meaningful ways fosters a deeper connection. When couples neglect this need for shared time, their relationship begins to deteriorate. This can be as simple as setting aside a regular time for dates or intentionally engaging in activities that deepen the bond.

5. The Fox of Outside Interference

When a spouse seeks to have their emotional or relational needs met by someone outside the marriage, the marriage becomes vulnerable. Proverbs 4:23 teaches, "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life." The heart of a spouse must be protected and guarded. Emotional affairs, whether physical or purely virtual, can undermine the trust and closeness in a marriage. A godly marriage demands fidelity in both action and emotion. When we allow outside influences to fill the space meant for our spouse, the relationship is weakened.

6. The Fox of Fatigue

Marriage is a covenant before God, not a contract to be broken when convenience dictates. Jesus declared, "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate" (Mark 10:9). The concept of divorce as an option for an unhappy situation reflects a misunderstanding of the sacredness of the marital covenant. Divorce is not the answer to marital struggles. God calls husbands and wives to work through their difficulties with patience, understanding, and perseverance.

7. The Fox of Misunderstanding

The differences between men and women are not just superficial; they go to the very core of how we think, feel, and relate to the world. A failure to appreciate these differences can lead to frustration and unmet expectations. 1 Peter 3:7 says, "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life." Understanding the differing needs, desires, and emotional responses of one’s spouse is essential for a harmonious relationship.

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The Foxes of Differences

Beyond the "foxes of danger" that can threaten the security of a marriage, there are also "foxes of differences"—the small yet significant discrepancies between men and women that, when not understood and addressed, can lead to tension.

1. Communication

Men and women communicate differently. Men often seek to solve problems through logic and action, while women typically desire affirmation and empathy. Proverbs 25:11 highlights, "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver." Men may see communication as a means to find solutions, but women view it as a way to connect emotionally. Understanding this difference is key to effective marital communication.

2. Romance

What romance means to a man is different from what it means to a woman. For men, romance may be closely tied to physical attraction, but for women, it often includes emotional connection and thoughtful gestures. Song of Solomon 1:2 states, "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—For your love is better than wine." Romance, according to this verse, is not solely physical; it involves the sharing of affection in ways that speak to the heart.

3. Needs

Understanding and meeting the unique emotional needs of a spouse is crucial. Men need to feel valued for their accomplishments and capabilities, while women often desire affirmation for their relational and emotional contributions. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her" (Ephesians 5:25). This sacrificial love must be expressed through recognizing and meeting the needs of the spouse, not neglecting them.

4. Self-Worth

A woman’s self-worth is often closely tied to the relational connections in her life, while a man’s self-worth is more commonly linked to his professional or personal achievements. Proverbs 31:10-11 speaks to a woman’s value: "Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies." Men must recognize the importance of relational investment in the life of their wives, while women must understand and support their husbands in their endeavors to succeed professionally.

5. Time

While men may not place as much emphasis on the quantity of time spent together, women value both quality and quantity. Time spent together in meaningful ways reinforces the emotional connection. Ecclesiastes 3:1 emphasizes the importance of timing: "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven." A marriage thrives when time is invested wisely in the relationship.

6. Parenting

The roles of fathers and mothers in the family are distinct but complementary. Fathers provide strength and security, while mothers nurture and provide emotional support. Proverbs 22:6 advises, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." Fathers, though often more distant, play an irreplaceable role in a child’s life. A father’s presence has a profound impact on a child’s development.

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Conclusion

A marriage is a precious vineyard, and we must diligently guard it against the little foxes that seek to destroy it. These small problems, if not addressed, can grow into significant challenges that threaten the foundation of love, trust, and unity. As men and women, created by God, we must embrace our roles, communicate openly, nurture intimacy, and invest time in one another. Only through consistent effort, by the grace of God, can we protect our marriages from these destructive forces. With patience, understanding, and a commitment to God’s design, we can build marriages that stand strong against the storms of life, cultivating a love that grows deeper with each passing day.

About the Author

EDWARD D. ANDREWS (AS in Criminal Justice, BS in Religion, MA in Biblical Studies, and MDiv in Theology) is CEO and President of Christian Publishing House. He has authored over 220 books. In addition, Andrews is the Chief Translator of the Updated American Standard Version (UASV).